April 1999
The Director - Departments
Grief Relief
Grief: Some Common Sense Answers
In the space of one week, I recently conducted two funerals. The first was for a 67-year-old man who left behind a beloved wife, several children and many grandchildren. The other was for a nine-month-old infant. Her parents found her dead in her crib.
Whenever there is a death, surviving family members enter the uncharted emotional territory of bereavement. Most people have limited experience or knowledge of what grief recovery entails. Whether the loss is of a mature adult or a child, the ensuing grief is difficult and challenging. Here are answers to some of the most commonly asked questions by the bereaved about grieving.
"The pain of loss is unbearable. How long will it last?"
Grief recovery cannot be rushed. Generally, grief recovery takes longer than most people assume. Healing normally takes from three to five years, although this does not mean your pain will continue to be as intense as in the early months after the death. What usually happens is that feelings of depression and sadness gradually melt away as grievers adjust to their loss and begin to reinvest energy in new relationships and opportunities. Try to be patient with your grief. It may help to recall the wisdom of the Roman philosopher Seneca: "Time heals what reason cannot."
"I am disappointed because my family and friends are not as supportive as I thought they would be. What can I do?"
Unless someone has experienced a loss to death, they cannot truly understand the impact of grief. You can find understanding and acceptance in a support group with others making a similar journey. A grief support group also can inspire you because you will see other bereaved men and women successfully managing their feelings and moving forward.
"It has been 14 months since my wife died and I feel worse, not better. Is this normal?"
Many people report the second year of bereavement is more difficult than the first. There are many reasons for this, including the fact that people are numb and in shock during the first weeks and months after a death. Again, be patient and do not expect an overnight recovery. Try reminding yourself that others have recovered from their grief and you will too, in your own time.
"The loneliness I feel is excruciating. Can anything be done to help?"
Loneliness is common to everyone that experiences the death of a loved one. To help ease your loneliness, find a kind, compassionate friend who will listen and allow you to speak about your pain. Grief shared is grief diminished. Remember playwright William Shakespeare's sage advice: "Give sorrow words. The grief that does not speak whispers the overfraught heart and bids it break."
"I dread the thought of upcoming holidays, anniversaries, birthdays and other family events. How can I deal with these occasions?"
Joyous occasions and holidays, such as Thanksgiving and Christmas, are especially hard for the bereaved because they tend to magnify their sense of loneliness after a loss. It is common for grievers to dread such times, but usually the anticipation of the event is worse than the day itself. Generally, it is beneficial to participate in family celebrations and festivities because you will gain support and fellowship by interacting with family and friends, which can be more helpful than being alone.
"I can't sleep more than three or four hours at a time and constantly feel tired. Is this normal? Should I take medication to help me sleep?"
Sleep disorders are extremely common after a loss to death, but prescription drugs and other numbing agents, such as alcohol, should be avoided. Eventually, your body will take over and allow you to rest properly. Meanwhile, avoid daytime naps and regulate the amount of time you spend in bed. The more time spent in bed, the more fragmented your sleep becomes, so go to bed at a regular time and rise at the same hour each morning.
Avoid lounging in bed.
"I can't stand being in this house anymore. It used to be a place of joy and peace, but now it is a depressing place because everything reminds me of my loved one who died. I want to move out, but is this a wise thing to do?"
Unless there is a pressing financial need, you should not sell your home or move out in the first year after a loss. In fact, postpone all major decisions until after the period of intense grief. Give yourself time for your feelings and grief to subside, and then evaluate how you truly feel about your house and other circumstances.
"I find myself crying easily at unexpected times and it embarrasses me. Is there anything I can do about my tears?"
Tears are not a sign of weakness, but rather a sign of love and natural pain. They testify to an important relationship ruptured by death. Crying is a natural response to loss. Tears also create a health benefit by relieving the body of the stress caused by grief. That is why people feel better after a good cry. Nineteenth century British writer Albert Smith noted: "Tears are the safety valves of the heart when too much pressure is laid on it."
"I feel abandoned by God. Life seems so cruel and unfair. Does God know or care about me?"
When a loved one dies, it is common to feel abandoned by God. Remember, however, that God understands and accepts your feelings and loves you unconditionally. Recalling the many biblical passages reflecting God's care for us through all of life's circumstances may relieve your feelings of abandonment. Some examples include:
"The Lord remembers us, and He will surely bless us." (Psalms 115:12, New Living Translation)
"Give all your worries and cares to God, for He cares about what happens to you." (1 Peter 5:7)
"God... is the source of every mercy and the God who comforts us. He comforts us in all our troubles." (2 Corinthians 1:3-4)
Pray that God will continue to heal and strengthen you daily.
Victor M. Parachin, Claremont, CA, is a NFDA grief educator and minister.
