February 1999
The Director - Departments
Grief Relief
When the Baby Doesn't Come Home: Helping parents deal with stillbirth
"I gave birth to a stillborn baby boy. It was a profound, wild grief that too quickly had to be restrained, contained, eventually smothered. I had left the hospital empty-handed, in a daze, and simply gone back to my flat."
– Helene Armstrong.
Although the loss of any child is an acute, painful tragedy, those who lose a baby through stillbirth feel their loss is even more complex. Unlike parents who have lost a child, those who have a stillbirth never had a chance to know the child. For them, there is no past to treasure, no tender moments, no happy memories to recall. For parents who have the sad experience of a stillbirth, their child is the symbol of hopes and dreams never realized. Returning from the hospital empty-handed leaves them grieving not one child, but two: the infant born without life and the child of their dreams and hopes. If parents of a stillborn child are to make the journey from darkness to light and from despair to hope, they must have the gentle support, guidance and love from their friends. Here are some ways to help parents deal with the grief of stillbirth.
Respond promptly and boldly. When learning someone has lost a child at birth, make your caring presence felt promptly and boldly. Kind words and kind actions initiate the process of recovery, adjustment and eventual healing, so write, phone or visit. Your contact should convey this one simple message: "I am so sorry. I want to do whatever I can to be helpful!" Do not be timid about responding. Do not avoid the person.
Sadly, some people are so intimidated by the news of a stillbirth that they shun the grieving parents. "People were afraid of me, so they avoided me," recalls one woman whose baby died an hour after birth. "Their absence caused me even more pain because I felt as though I was being punished by them. The lack of contact made me feel they were angry with me and were telling me, 'You lost your baby, so I m not talking to you.' Their attitude made me feel like a failure as a woman."
Include the mother in all decision making. There are too many cases of mothers experiencing complicated grief because they were excluded from decision making when a baby has died at birth. Here are some of the major decisions that must involve the mother:
Will the baby be named?
Should the mother see the baby?
Can the mother hold the baby?
Will there be a funeral service to say "goodbye?"
What will be done with the baby s room, clothing, toys, etc.?
These are all extremely personal decisions and the mother's wishes should be received and respected. When this is not done, mothers are inadvertently set up for complex and lengthy grief.
In an article written by Kathleen Holsopple, she tells of waking up to a "pain beyond any I had ever experienced." Holsopple was pregnant when a complication set in, and she was rushed to the emergency room. She was hemorrhaging badly, and the doctors had to perform an emergency Caesarean section. While they saved her life, the baby died. "The next three days passed without my waking much. On the third day, I learned the truth," she recalls. "My baby was dead and had been buried already. While I was unconscious, life and death had gone on without me." The father named their son Adam. "A few days earlier, I had been uncomfortably pregnant. Now my womb and arms were empty. I never got to hold the baby I had carried and loved for nine months."
Worse yet was the fact that Holsopple returned to a house emptied of any reminders that a baby was expected. "My well-meaning family had taken away every trace of the nursery I had been working on for weeks. Packing away the baby things had been done to take my mind off our loss. People changed the subject when I would talk of Adam. I had no outlet for my feelings, so I buried them inside."
Sadly, because Holsopple was excluded from major decisions, her grief became unbearable and drove her to alcohol and suicidal thoughts. Fortunately, she confided in her minister. Through that minister's wise counsel and gentle support, she was able eventually to work through the pain and depression.
Support parents wanting to use religious rituals. Do not deny grieving parents the opportunity to have a funeral ritual of some kind. "The funeral ritual does more than acknowledge the death of your baby. It helps provide you with the support of caring people," says Alan Wolfelt, Ph.D., director of the Center for Loss and Life Transition in Fort Collins, Colorado. "The funeral is a way of giving testimony to the life and death of your child. Most importantly, the funeral is a way for you to express your grief outside yourself."
Wolfelt also notes that deciding not to have a funeral is a frequent regret that many parents express. "You and your baby have a right to have a funeral. The funeral is one thing you can do for your child at a time when you feel you can do so little." In addition, the funeral does not have to be held immediately. It can be held when the mother is more physically and emotionally prepared.
One woman tells of her major disappointment in her religious leader who, upon learning she had a stillbirth, told the woman that religious rituals do not apply in her case. His reasoning: a belief that the soul does not enter the body until the baby has lived for 30 days. Because there was no soul, there was no need for a funeral. Her frustration was heightened by the local funeral director who went further by telling her that the family should not even know where the baby was to be buried. He recommended an unmarked grave with no one attending the burial.
Against the advice of both her religious leader and the funeral director, the woman wisely chose to have a funeral. Surrounded by her husband, extended family members and a few friends, she spoke some words over the grave. She and those present expressed their feeling that the brief service was indeed meaningful and helpful.
Be careful about what you say. Some well-intentioned people seeking to make parents feel better after a loss offer trite clichés that only frustrate and anger the bereaved. Consider the woman who wrote advice-columnist Abigail Van Buren (Dear Abby) and signed herself as Grieving. Explaining she lost her baby late in the pregnancy, Grieving lamented, "This tragedy was heartbreaking enough, but some of the 'comforting' comments from well-meaning friends made it even worse." Grieving then requested Abby to ask readers never to try to comfort a woman who lost a baby with any of the following comments:
Cheer up, you are still young. You can try again.
You have one child already. Be thankful for what you have.
It was God's will.
You could have been lucky—it might not have been normal.
Do not be so downhearted—it is not as though you lost a child.
Better statements to offer grieving parents are those which simply express your support and concern. Such healing sentences include:
I care about you and want to help in any way possible.
I am including you in my thoughts and prayers each day.
This must be very hard for you. What can I do?
Please know that I am here for you and your family.
Suggest naming the baby. "Your baby deserves a name," advises Wolfelt. "If you had already decided on a name, keep it. This name truly belongs to this unique child. Having a name for your baby allows you to talk about your loss in a personal way. You are openly acknowledging that you have loved a child and will always remember him or her. You will find it easier to embrace your memories if you can refer to your baby by name."
Be sensitive to the father. When there is a stillbirth, the mother receives the bulk of care and support. The father is sometimes neglected and becomes an "invisible" griever. Those seeking to help at the time of stillbirth need to remember that the loss of a child is felt by both mother and father. Be sensitive to the father by engaging him in conversation about the loss, listening carefully to his expressions and responding with empathy. Allowing a father to express his feelings will ease his pain and lessen feelings of being isolated with his grief.
Help deal with guilt feelings. Whenever a baby is stillborn, the mother or father may experience deep pangs of guilt over the death, often blaming themselves. Here are some common expressions of guilt heard after a mother loses her baby:
If only I had not dieted.
I should never have tried to have a baby at my age (from a 40-year-old woman).
I had no business carrying those heavy bags of groceries.
I should have stopped working sooner.
This would not have happened if I had not worried so much.
We should not have had sex so late in the pregnancy.
If only I were a better person.
I should have gone to church and prayed more.
Grieving parents may need gentle reminders that feelings of guilt are natural following such a loss but that they are often irrational. If the guilt persists, suggest they speak confidentially with their physician about the guilt feelings. Often a doctor can assure parents they did nothing that caused the death of the child.
Recommend a support group. Almost every community has several bereavement support groups available including ones specifically for parents who have lost a child. Track down such groups in your community and write down the time of the meetings, location, length and a person to contact for more information. Then, recommend that the grieving parent(s) try out a group. Support groups are invaluable because they not only provide support from others who have experienced similar losses, but cover topics of concern such as:
the grief process.
ways to manage bereavement.
family response to loss.
impact upon marriage.
working through the myriad of feelings such as anger, guilt and jealousy.
dealing with unfinished business such as putting away baby clothing, the crib, etc.
subsequent pregnancies and children.
coping with anniversaries, holidays and birthdays.
helping surviving children.
effect of grief on religious faith.
Finally, encourage grievers to be patient with themselves. Grief recovery takes time, usually much longer than most people anticipate. Most parents who have lost a child report their surprise that it took them up to 24 months to adjust and adapt to their loss. Although it takes time to heal, healing does come. As one grieving mother shares, "It has been a year since my son's death and only now are the good days outnumbering the bad ones."
Victor M. Parachin, Claremont, CA, is a NFDA grief educator and minister.
