January 1999
The Director - Departments
Grief Relief
Clergy Grieve, Too: One minister's path through bereavement
On a Friday afternoon, Carl Conner took his wife to a doctor because she had signs of having suffered a light stoke. That evening, his wife was admitted to the hospital. She died at 1:39 the following Tuesday afternoon, bringing to an end a "beautiful and fruitful" marriage of 39 years.
Since her death, Reverend Conner, a pastor in North Carolina, has written about his journey through grief. Like most clergy, Rev. Conner counseled many grievers before his wife's death and believed he understood their pain. He soon learned, however, that being caught up in grief is quite different from observing another person's grief. "One may minister for many years, counsel several bereaved families for a year and feel very confident in doing so, but it is a different story when death comes to the parsonage," he writes. "Over the years, I have told dozens of bereaved families, 'I understand.' Not until my wife died suddenly and prematurely did I realize I had not understood." Here are some of Rev. Conner's other insights that may help both the grieving and those seeking to help grievers.
People are conflicted about helping grievers. "Don't expect people to rally about you," Rev. Conner bluntly states. "It may happen, but in too many cases it doesn't. Some individuals do not understand. Others are afraid and do not know what to say. A few think a minister has all of the answers and needs no help."
In Rev. Connor's case, however, a few close friends and relatives did reach out. Although his two sons live in distant cities, they stayed in constant contact with him. Few days passed when they did not call. One young couple also extended their love and care. A day seldom passed when they did not come to see me. They invited me to their home where we sat and talked. His sons and the couple filled a tremendous void in Rev. Conner s life.
Avoid withdrawing or going into a shell. Rev. Conner returned to his work as a parish minister and a week later was back in the pulpit to deliver his weekly sermon. Parishioners welcomed him back to work. "What a relief to know I was needed in a time of overwhelming grief," he writes. "Really, I needed them more than they needed me."
Counseling is beneficial. Shortly after his wife's death, Rev. Conner was in touch with a denominational minister employed in a counseling ministry. "He helped me through the initial weeks of grief. In the process, I learned a great many things that might help others when they lose a companion."
Do not be shocked by matchmakers. "I was not immediately prepared to consider remarriage," Rev. Conner writes. "That did not prevent matchmakers from suggesting an 'available' possible wife." Some women also contacted him personally, offering a relationship. Wisely, Rev. Conner chose to heal and recover from his loss before considering any future relationships.
Loneliness impacts early and hard. Rev. Conner recalls that loneliness became an immediate problem for him. It was helpful to have his older brother spend the nights with him for a few weeks until he adjusted to being alone.
His loneliness was also heightened as he watched his sons divide his wife's considerable library. "As a public-school librarian, she had collected a sizable library, which was her joy. The absent books signaled the vacancy in my home and heart."
Remain active and busy. :My strongest advice to anyone who has lost a companion is to stay busy," he says. In the weeks following his wife's death, Rev. Conner arrived at his church around 7 a.m. rather than the usual 8:30, and he often remained in the office until 7 p.m. to avoid being home alone. "Fortunately, time passed rapidly because I stayed busy," he recalls.
Expect to recover from grief. Rev. Conner adjusted to life without his beloved wife. He concludes his article with these encouraging words: "What do you do when you lose your companion? Trust God! I made it and you can too!"
Victor M. Parachin, Claremont, CA, is a NFDA grief educator and minister.
