January 2002

The Director - Features

By Any Other Name...

Is the term “aftercare” projecting the wrong message about funeral service or, worse, simply confusing those that could benefit from continued grief and bereavement care?

Shakespeare once wrote, “That which we call a rose, By any other name would smell as sweet.” Names, he was implying, really do not change things very much and, whatever you call it, a rose is still beautiful, aromatic and a sure-fire trigger for romance.

We do not agree with Shakespeare. What about the term “aftercare”? What do you mean by it? More importantly, what do you think other people associate with the term? What you call something is important because the name not only creates an image, but the name should also serve as a window into the reality it represents.

As a psychologist and pastor, we have had the privilege of working closely with people in the funeral service profession during the past few years following the publication of our first book. When we ask funeral directors if they perform aftercare, some shake their head and say that they really do not have the time, staff or training to develop that kind of program. “We're just a small, family owned business and we just don't have the time to do that sort of thing,” they generally respond.

What these funeral directors have in mind is likely a large, organized program involving a grief counselor, follow-up calls on clients, conducting grief-support workshops, memorial services and networking with other agencies in the community. Certainly, if you have the budget and the vision for that type of program, such services can be very valuable to your community.

But consider this: from where we sit outside of the funeral service profession looking in, all of you provide aftercare, provided you define aftercare as “caring for the bereaved following the death of a loved one.” Not only do you in fact provide aftercare, but you are also likely the first (and sometimes only) person to provide this kind of service. What this implies is that you are more than a provider of funeral service, i.e. the one who follows the regulations and procedures for a dignified disposition of someone one who died. We want to reiterate here what we wrote in a previous article in The Director; as a funeral director, you have an important role to play from the very beginning of a person's grief journey. ¹ Therefore, this article offers three suggestions that will hopefully enhance your community's understanding of the funeral service profession.

A Matter of Image

Your community will see funeral directors very much in keeping with the image you project to them. The less they know about you and what you do, the more distant and unsure they will be of funeral directors in general. Perhaps the new HBO series “Six Feet Under” will give viewers an accurate and positive glimpse into the valuable service you provide. Hopefully, they will also see you as “real” men and women who have feelings, are capable of compassion and genuinely care about the grief of those you serve.

At the time of death, a bereaved person will reach out to someone they trust, and they will want to reach out to that person all the more if they have the confidence that this person knows something about grief and bereavement. Therefore, in your advertising, promotional work, and networking within the community, we encourage you to use themes of “caring,” “compassion,” “support” or other similar themes to create the image of a person who understands grief and is able to walk alongside of someone during the terribly difficult initial days after the death of someone they loved.

Many of you have probably experienced the sudden hush that falls over a room when you inform someone of what do you do for a living. The next time you are asked, instead of saying, “I'm the local funeral director,” consider answering the question something like, “Oh, I work with grieving people.” You might be amazed at how this could serve as a discussion starter rather than a discussion stopper.

Be User-friendly

Ever since we became more involved with the funeral service profession, we have been somewhat puzzled about the term “aftercare.” Where did it come from? What does it really mean? After what? After a death? After a funeral? After a month or two? How do you care for something after? Do you see our point? The term “aftercare” itself is confusing and ambiguous.

What we think funeral directors really provide is “grief care.” The primary reason that people come to you is because they are grieving the death of someone they loved. They are looking for a variety of things and some of these things deal with the traditionally understood funeral business. They need someone to help them create a healthy, dignified and personally appropriate way to dispose of their loved one's body. This is not a do-it-yourself project – they need you, but they are also looking for someone who can touch their heart and soul. They want this same person to care about their emotions. From the moment they call, they want and need to know that you care and that you understand. They need to be cared for “after” the death because they are grieving. You are inevitably and naturally a part of that care. Many people may also turn to their pastor, priest, rabbi or other clergy members, but that does not exclude you from the equation. Therefore, make your funeral home a place where people know they will receive “grief care.” Do not use a label that the public probably does not understand either. Be user-friendly.

Choose Your Involvement Level

If you understand and accept the reality that you are on the front line of grief care, then your decision is quite simple: how long do you want to stay involved? One way to conceptualize this is to draw a timeline stretching from point A to point B. Point A is the initial point of contact you have with a person. Point B is that point where you withdraw from providing professional services. All of the other points between are gradations moving along the timeline. Look at “grief care” as a “grief care continuum.” You need to decide where you want to begin and where you want to end, but regardless of how you define points A and B, the fact is that you engage in “grief care.”

What are some possible starting points? Depending on your budget, community involvement and the way you conduct your business, point A could begin as early as sponsoring community education seminars on death and dying. Or you could provide preliminary education at the time of preneed planning. At a minimum, point A begins for all funeral directors when they receive a death call.

And when do you bring your “grief care” to an end? For some of you, point B may come as soon as a few weeks or a month following the funeral service. A phone call, a pamphlet or a book you sent, or a simple follow-up letter may be all that you can do. We encourage you to at least inform your families about other agencies and organizations within the community that also provide “grief care services.” On the other hand, you might decide to stay actively involved with your families for up to a year or more. Many funeral homes provide monthly grief support meetings, quarterly memorial events, services around the holidays, or gifts on the first anniversary of the death.

We suggest a movement to eliminate the term “aftercare.” We think it is confusing and often conveys the sense that caring for the bereaved is something optional for the funeral service profession. We are troubled to hear some funeral directors say that they do not provide aftercare (however they define it). We believe that “grief care” is not optional – this is what you do. Therefore, the two big questions are:

• Does your community really know that you “care about grief”?
• At what point do you enter the “grief care continuum” with your potential families and how long do you stay involved?

Please do not say, “We don't provide aftercare.” Instead, let people know that you are committed to the best possible “grief care” you are able to provide.

¹ See Zonnebelt-Smeenge and DeVries, “Beginning the Grief Journey,” The Director, January 2001, page 30.

Susan J. Zonnebelt-Smeenge, R.N., Ed.D., is a licensed clinical psychologist at Pine Rest Mental Health Services in Grand Rapids, MI. Robert C. DeVries, D.Min., Ph.D., is professor of religious education at Calvin Theological Seminary in Grand Rapids, MI. Both authors can be contacted via e-mail at This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it .