January 2001
The Director - Departments
Grief Relief
"One Hop at a Time"
After Gerald died, I, a formerly strong and positive person, found myself feeling helpless and hopeless. My inability to concentrate frightened me. The stress of grief played havoc with my short-term memory. I began to wonder if I was losing my sanity.
Velma, widowed at 37 years of age
Within days of Ann Marie's death, I became filled with guilt and regrets. Why didn't I notice the signs? What if I had asked the doctor more questions or sought a second opinion? If only I had pressed Ann Marie to get a physical sooner? I'm still reeling from guilt.
Howard, widowed at 58 years of age
The darkness of the morning engulfed me. Although a new day was dawning, I was entering the dark tunnel of grief. My precious little son had died during the night. Numbness began to take over the raw reality in my heart.
Bereaved father
The loss of a loved one creates a variety of emotions in people. These are often confusing and conflicting. While no two people grieve exactly the same way, it is not unusual to experience the following symptoms and conditions:
Shock. Upon hearing the news, it can be hard to accept the fact of death. Some people try to deny it, feel numb or in shock, or expect to see their loved one walk through the door or call them, even though they know that person is gone.
Anger. Some feel anger at their loved one for having "deserted" them or for not taking care of themselves, thereby precipitating the death. Others may feel angry about the unfairness of the death. Still others find they are angry and need to blame someone, such as a physician, a health-care organization or God.
Physical problems. Grieving is hard work and takes a toll mentally, emotionally, spiritually and physically. Grief can cause weight loss or gain, extreme tiredness or weaken the immune system. It is always wise to check in with your health-care provider to deal with such problems.
Fear. Death can cause many fears: fear of the future, fear of one's own dying, and fear for other family members.
Panic. Obsessed with coping and frightened by the future, many find it difficult to concentrate on tasks because of panic. This emotional state often appears early in grief, as grievers do not know what to do and do not understand the grief process.
Regret. Many experience guilt feelings over things they might have said or done, or failed to say and do. In his book, Living With Loss, Healing With Hope, Rabbi Earl Grollman writes: "Guilt may eat away at your insides. You writhe with shame as you recall words of scorn and impatience, acts of exasperation and anger. Why didn't you show your love more truly? Why did you let trivial annoyances mar your enjoyment of your loved one's companionship? When death comes, life is reexamined. You become acutely aware of your failures, real or imagined."
Loneliness. A feeling of emptiness may occur after the funeral, as friends must return to their own activities. At that time, feelings of loneliness and isolation become more intense.
Depression. This emotion is the price of loving someone. The loss creates a deep sadness that is a natural part of grieving.
Increased personal growth. As you come to terms with the loss, new outlooks, opportunities and directions emerge. The joys of life can be experienced once again.
As grievers deal with these various emotions, they should be reassured that each is a valid response to grief and that it will pass. Funeral directors and other caregivers also can help the bereaved by gently passing on the following two suggestions.
The first is that the bereaved should be patient with themselves. Consider this wisdom from Robert DiGiulio, Ph.D., who lost his wife, daughter and in-laws as a result of an automobile accident. Dr. DiGiulio writes: "Be patient with yourself. Grieving has many stages, which might include shock, numbness, denial, depression, confusion, fear, anger, bitterness, guilt, regret, acceptance, hope. These stages may come in any order, any number of times. Give yourself time to move through grief at your own pace and in your own individual way... As impossible as it may seem right now, a time will come when you will be able to think of your loved one, and feel the sacred connection between the two of you, without the pain and emptiness that you feel right now."
The second suggestion is that the bereaved should learn to nurture themselves physically, emotionally and spiritually. Taking care of their health, on every level, greatly facilitates the journey through grief. Karen Katafiasz, author of Taking Care of Yourself While Grieving, writes: "Not many of us have the resources or circumstances to withdraw from the world while grieving. There are responsibilities to meet, work to do, people to care about. But, in the midst of your grief, you can take care of yourself—every part of yourself—so that your grieving process is a time of healing, growth, deepening and, ultimately, transformation."
Victor M. Parachin, Tulsa, OK, is a NFDA grief educator and minister. Send comments and questions to
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