December 2000
The Director - Departments
Grief Relief
Happy Holidays?
The painting by artist Norman Rockwell of a festive family sitting around a holiday table laden with food may be an accurate image for many families. However, for those who have experienced a loss to death—that of a spouse, parent, grandparent, child or sibling—the holidays are anything but festive and happy. What is a joyous time of year for many is, for the bereaved, a season when pain is magnified and loneliness accentuated as they face the prospect of a holiday without their loved one. Despite this, holiday hurt can be eased and softened. Here are 25 ways to cope when you are grieving during the holidays.
Think it through. Be very intentional about how you will celebrate the holiday. Will you keep the same patterns as in previous years or will you change traditions completely? By planning ahead, you will have a better grasp of what you will want to do and what you will not want to do. Remember that there is no right or wrong way to celebrate.
Share your feelings with the family. Let others in the family understand how you feel the holiday could be best celebrated. Do not expect them to be mind readers. Communicate your needs. Most family members want to celebrate the holiday in ways that are most helpful to the person grieving the hardest.
Listen to your heart. Remind yourself that you can change your mind about holiday celebrations. If earlier decisions do not feel right as the time approaches, then do not follow through with them, or else make the necessary adjustments. Follow the leading of your heart.
Shop creatively. If being in a shopping mall with festive crowds is too depressing for you, consider other alternatives. Make your holiday purchases via catalogues, phone orders or the Internet.
Guard your health. "Eat a balanced diet. Get some exercise. Try your best to take good care of yourself. Remember: Neglecting your health does not honor the memory of your loved one," writes Rabbi Earl Grollman in his book Living With Loss, Healing With Hope.
Be gentle with yourself. Allow yourself the freedom not to live up to the expectations of others. "The family and I always attended a midnight Christmas Eve service," says a grieving mother whose daughter died in an auto accident in the fall. "I just couldn't bear to be in that service without Terri, so I gave myself permission to stay away from that service and, instead, attend the earlier service at our church. While some family members preferred for us all to be together at the midnight service, I felt it would be all right if I did not please everyone."
Change what needs to be changed. "Every year, my husband and I pulled out a huge box containing an artificial tree which we had used for nearly 25 years. However, the holiday after Al died, I couldn't bear to do that," says his wife. "Instead, I found it comforting to go out and buy a live tree and decorate it. That live tree reminded me that life was still flowing in our family. We had wonderful children, terrific sons- and daughters-in-law, as well as four delightful grandchildren."
Maintain the traditions that you need. One widower recalls a family issue that emerged when his children decorated his home for the holiday. "They put out a stocking for every member of the family except for my beloved wife, Annie. I know they thought her stocking would make me more sad but I explained to them that I bought that stocking 30 years earlier for the first Christmas we celebrated as husband and wife. Even though she was no longer with us, I wanted that stocking out and in the same place it had been on past holidays. I think it was my way of reminding the family that Annie was not going to be forgotten or ignored."
Talk about the loss. Let your pain spill over into words. Share your feelings with a trusted friend and you will feel better. Be guided by Shakespeare's wisdom: "Give sorrow words; the grief that does not speak/Whispers the o'er fraught heart and bids it break."
Meditate. Many find this a very easy and calming way to deal with holiday grief. Simply find a comfortable place to sit, whether on the floor, in a chair or on a sofa. Close your eyes and focus on your breathing. As you inhale and exhale slowly, repeat a mantra, which is just a phrase you find comforting. "I found a 10-minute daily meditation to be tremendously strengthening," recalls one widow. "As I breathed in, I repeated the affirmation, "I am strong."
Plant a tree. When there has been a death, many find it helpful to balance that loss with something living and growing. Consider planting a tree in memory of your loved one.
Be tolerant of your limits. Grieving is hard work and takes its toll emotionally, mentally and physically. Do not overextend yourself. Eliminate stresses and strains when you can. "The first year after Don died, I just didn't have the energy to address and mail out the 300 Christmas cards we normally sent," remembers one widow. "So, I cut down the list and sent cards only to some 80 people, all of whom lived in other parts of the country and were people I would not be seeing. Since most of them did not know of Don's death, I used the card as an occasion to let them know."
Spend time with supportive people. Not everyone understands the pain of grief. Identify people in whose company you feel better, and then spend more time with them during the holiday.
Talk about your deceased loved one. Often a family will engage in a "conspiracy of silence" by believing you will be better served if no one brings up your deceased loved one. Most grievers find such silence only adds to their pain and confusion. Include the deceased person's name in your holiday conversations. As you speak candidly about him or her, others will recognize your need to remember that special individual and will also talk about that person.
Express and explore your faith. Death often raises theological issues, especially at the holidays. This can be a grand opportunity to renew and deepen your faith. Speak with your religious leader. You will find him or her approachable, supportive and helpful.
Do not let the greeting "Happy holidays" upset you. Many grievers are disturbed when someone says "Happy holidays to you." Rather than let it upset you, receive it as a wish of goodwill from a stranger or colleague. Respond simply and kindly by saying: "Thank you" or "Happy holidays to you as well."
Help others. Take the focus off your pain and your troubles by investing in yourself by helping others. Volunteer at a downtown mission, feed the hungry, visit a lonely person or invite someone who is alone to share a meal with you.
Let your tears flow. There is no doubt that the holidays will be an emotional time. When you feel the need to cry, let the tears flow. You have lost someone you love and crying is a perfectly normal response to the loss. Tears are an honest expression of grief.
Memorialize your loved one during the holiday. Consider sending a donation to a cause or an organization that was important to your loved one. Making a contribution is an effective way to both honor the memory of your loved one and to continue his or her commitment.
Join a grief support group. "Joining or reentering a support group may be the single most-important step you can take as you struggle with grief during the holidays," says Dr. Kenneth J. Doka, an author and grief educator. "Support groups provide members with the opportunity to share the pain of grief with others who are also finding the holidays a struggle."
Embrace your treasure of memories. "Memories are one of the best legacies that exist after the death of someone loved," notes Dr. Alan D. Wolfelt, director of the Center for Loss and Life Transition in Fort Collins, Colorado. "And holidays always make you think about times past. Instead of ignoring these memories, share them with your family and friends. Keep in mind that memories are tinged with both happiness and sadness. If your memories bring laughter, smile. If your memories bring sadness, then it's all right to cry. Memories that were made in love—no one can ever take them away from you."
Ask for help when you need it. Do you need someone to be with? A shoulder to cry on? Someone to talk to? Help with something your loved one always did for you at the holiday? Reach out and ask for help.
Get outside. Do not stay cooped up in your house or apartment. Get outside. Enjoy some fresh air. Engage in some outdoor exercise—walking, jogging, biking, etc. "After my 23-year-old son died, my grief and depression were almost more than I could bear in December. But, I managed to survive by getting outside and taking a long, long walk every day during the month," says a bereaved father.
Create a special holiday tribute for your loved one. Some ways to do this include: lighting a special candle each evening; putting together a bowl of colorful ornaments and placing them in a visible location in your home; reciting a daily prayer expressing gratitude for the gift of your loved one; or creating a picture display of your loved one on a small table.
Choose life in every way you can. Be among people who vitalize and energize you. Practice disciplines that bring you hope, peace, comfort, joy and love. Engage in activities that bring you meaning and satisfaction.
Victor M. Parachin, Tulsa, OK, is a NFDA grief educator and minister. Send comments and questions to
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