September 2000
The Director - Departments
Grief Relief
A new book by Rabbi Earl Grollman offers wisdom for the bereaved of any fa
Living With Loss, Healing With Hope (Beacon Press) is the title of a new book by internationally recognized bereavement counselor Rabbi Earl A. Grollman. Although Rabbi Grollman makes clear that his book conveys a Jewish perspective on grief, this little book is filled with wisdom for the bereaved of any faith tradition. Funeral directors and other caregivers should make note of the book because of its easy-to-read style and concise explanations about the grief process.
Here are some insights that Rabbi Grollman offers the bereaved to make their journey through grief less tumultuous.
Denial is a safety valve. The bereaved often are criticized for being in "denial" about the loss because they utter statements such as:
I do not believe it.
It cannot be true.
How could this happen to my loved one?
How could this happen to me?
It must be a horrible mistake.
Rabbi Grollman wisely notes that any denial is temporary and is an emotional safety valve for the bereaved. "Denial is a coping mechanismŠ When life seems unbearable, denial intervenes and allows a temporary breathing spell. Denial temporarily shields you from facing the enormity of the pain," he notes.
Grief has many faces and phases. Rabbi Grollman describes grief as a "circular staircase" because it manifests itself in diverse ways. The bereaved experience a variety of confusing and conflicting emotions, such as anger, sadness, regret, shock, guilt and panic. "You may be calm one moment, in turmoil the next," he writes. "Like a roller coaster, they [emotions] are recurring themes of anguish in confronting a devastating loss." He reminds the bereaved to be patient and courageous while allowing time to do its healing.
Anger with God is normal. Grievers are frequently uncomfortable with their feelings toward God after a loss. Feeling abandoned by God, they sometimes feel angry about this detachment. Rabbi Grollman reassures the bereaved that such feelings are normal and allowable. "You may rage at God, denouncing God for this unfair cruelty. Your anger is a natural and normal response to extreme anguish," he writes. "To be furious at God could indicate that God was once a presence in your life and may be again."
A good friend can be a lifeline to hope and healing. Rabbi Grollman urges grievers to surround themselves with a few good friends: "Someone you can talk to honestly; someone who will not judge you, but accept you as you are." He also reminds grievers not to be surprised if some "friendshifts" take place following a loss. "Times of tragedy can be a crucible in which friendships are tested. You may feel abandoned by certain friends who vanished even before the funeral, or after a token condolence call."
Rabbi Grollman softens this disappointment by reminding grievers that many people feel unequipped to help them through grief and therefore act in awkward and clumsy ways. "They [friends] may mistakenly think you want to be alone. They, too, are frightened by death. Try to forgive them," he urges. "After all, during these turbulent days there are many times you don't understand yourself." Support groups are powerful aids for grief recovery. Like all other professional grief counselors, Rabbi Grollman knows the healing power of grief support groups and urges the bereaved to participate in one. "A bereavement group can become a second family during your journey of grief. They understand when you ask, ŒWhy me?' They understand when you say, ŒI don't think I can make it. I don't think I want to live.' You learn together and lend each other support as you begin the arduous task of rebuilding your lives," he writes.
Retreat into isolation is not a solution. Acknowledging that it is hard to "reenter the mainstream when you feel that you no longer belong," Rabbi Grollman, nevertheless, says that "withdrawing into isolation is not the answer." He urges grievers to find ways of re-engaging with life and the business of living by remaining connected to family, friends, their place of work and their place of worship.
Silence is not golden. "In times of crisis, silence is not golden," Rabbi Grollman notes and advises grievers to keep lines of communication open with friends, family, counselors and spiritual leaders. "You may need to repeat over and over all the circumstances surrounding your loss," he says. The bereaved need to identify their feelings by their rightful names:
I am angry.
I am hurt.
I am scared.
I am sad.
I am anxious.
I am uncertain.
Grief creates physical distress. Bereavement takes a toll emotionally and physically, and it is not unusual to experience stomachaches, headaches, rashes, palpitations, dizziness or sleep disorders. "It hurts to breathe, to move, to live," he notes. "Your body is responding to bereavement. These ailments are real, not imaginary." Because stress weakens resistance to disease, Rabbi Grollman advises the bereaved to consult with an understanding physician and to ensure that they eat balanced meals and exercise. "Try your best to take good care of yourself. Neglecting your health does not honor the memory of your loved one."
Pain should not be wasted. At the end of his book, Rabbi Grollman challenges grievers to make positive use of their pain by helping others who are grieving. He notes the many synagogues and funeral homes have established grief support groups that are often facilitated by former mourners. These individuals are trained in communication skills (listening and responding with empathy) and educated about grief issues. Rabbi Grollman notes
Victor M. Parachin, Tulsa, OK, is a NFDA grief educator and minister. Send comments and questions to
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